


HEAVEN AND BACK

by pepperchoni



Category: Riverdale (TV 2017)
Genre: Addiction, F/F, Jason's alive, Substance Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-05
Updated: 2019-11-05
Packaged: 2021-01-23 19:41:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,570
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21325585
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pepperchoni/pseuds/pepperchoni
Summary: She fell in love with a pill that could take away all her pain, then she fell in love with a whole new drug that could fill her veins.//Cheryl's addicted to drugs and gets addicted to Toni.
Relationships: Cheryl Blossom & Toni Topaz, Cheryl Blossom/Toni Topaz
Comments: 8
Kudos: 80





	HEAVEN AND BACK

She felt the cold tile floor under her. Her eyes were closed but she could see the shrill light of her bathroom mirror through her eyelids. Although she remembered putting on music in her room, it felt far away now. The sound was muffled and she could only hear a faint melody. It was like she was underwater.

Maybe she shouldn’t have taken the pills. But rational thinking had flown out the window a while ago. She heard her mother’s voice in her head, telling her that she should get help. But she couldn’t care less. She was fine. Actually, she was more than fine. She felt light as a feather. All that pain, all that heartache simply gone. If she could feel like this every single second, she would.

She thought back to her childhood. Her eighth birthday. She had gotten a bicycle. Her own bicycle! She didn’t have to share it, since Jason had also gotten one. Back then, it was the happiest she had ever felt.

Then, her fifteenth birthday. That’s when she tried alcohol for the first time. But she didn’t feel as happy as she had on her eighth birthday, so she tried other things.

Somewhere between her parents getting divorced and her brother moving to study abroad, she had lost herself. Her life was composed of looking for happy moments, the best way she could.

So yeah, maybe she shouldn’t have taken the pills. But as all the thoughts in her head slowed down she couldn’t find an ounce of remorse. Because Cheryl Blossom was already dead. And this feeling of finally being alive. Of finally being able to breathe. This made it all worth it. Every risk she was taking, was worth it.

She felt herself being pulled into oblivion. Her eyes rolled back into her head. Everything turned black. _This is it_, she thought. _This is it._

-

She woke up to the smell of lavender. The smell was unfamiliar, yet comforting. Although the light shining through the window made it hard, she opened her eyes. Taking a look around, she realised she was in her bed. How she’d made it back there from the bathroom was a mystery to her, but she wouldn’t complain.

The piercing pain in her head indicated that her hangover wasn’t going to be a light one. She wanted to go back to what she had felt yesterday. She wanted to feel alive again.

She slowly got up from the bed, draping her white sheets from her naked body. When had she taken off her clothes?

After getting dressed, she made her way out of her apartment. It was rather quiet, except for the chirping of the birds. Looking around at the leaves, falling from the trees before being picked up by the wind, she felt at peace. If life were like this all the time, maybe she wouldn’t need anything to help her get through it. But it wasn’t like that.

As if sensing her thoughts, a huge truck came rushing down the main road, honking loudly to inform her she was standing in the middle of the road. So much for peaceful.

She made her way to her favourite coffee shop, a few blocks away from her apartment. The jingling of the bells signalling her entrance were a bit too loud to her liking, but as soon as she walked into the coffee shop, she felt a nice sense of familiarity run through her.

“Welcome to Coffees ‘n Cream, what can I get you?”

Cheryl’s head snapped up when she heard the unfamiliar voice. It was raspy, but soothing, and although her memory was a little fucked up, she was certain she would have remembered that voice.

The woman behind the counter had brown hair, with streaks of pink running through it. Her face, Cheryl thought, must’ve been sculpted by gods, with how gorgeous she was. And with the way she was smiling — though she probably gave the same smile to every customer — Cheryl could’ve melted right then and there. Yeah no, she had definitely never seen that barista before.

“I’ll have whatever’s the strongest drink on your menu.”

“Long night huh?”

She thought back to the night she’d had, though she only remembered fragments. She had had a fight with her mother. Well, more like her mother had yelled at her and reminded her of how selfish she was. She had texted her brother. It seems he was busy, as he hadn’t even replied to her. Or had he? She didn’t remember. Her memories were a bit blurry.

“You have no idea.”

“Well, let me get you my special hangover cure. It’s on the house.”

“That’s too nice. Thank you,” Cheryl stepped forward to read the barista’s name tag, “Toni.”

“You’re welcome, uh” She looked at Cheryl expectantly.

“Cheryl.”

“Well, you’re welcome, Cheryl. You’ll see once you drink this, you’ll feel much better.”

A few minutes later, Toni handed her a cup of coffee, and she quickly left the shop. She wanted to drink it in there to have more time to stare at the beautiful barista, but she couldn’t stand crowds and as the coffee shop was filling up, she felt more and more anxious and just wanted to get out of there as soon as possible.

In her haste, she didn’t even get to properly say bye to Toni, but once she was out of the shop, and could breathe again, she noticed that the barista had written her phone number on the cup.

When she got home, she texted Toni immediately. She didn’t know how long it had been since she had been at the coffee shop. Time seemed to stand still for Cheryl. Or go by way too fast. Depending on the day. So she couldn’t really estimate how much time had passed.

She thought about waiting. Maybe a few days, to not seem desperate. But what did she have to lose? Because Cheryl Blossom was already dead. Might as well find something to make her feel alive that wasn’t drugs.

She took out her phone and noticed she had a text from her brother. He had responded after all. She quickly ignored her notifications as she went to type a new message.

**Cheryl:** do u usually give out ur number to customers?

Surprisingly, an answer came right away. Wasn’t she still at work? Cheryl thought. Maybe she was on her break.

**Toni:** Sorry, who is this? Could be anyone since I give out my number to every other customer ;)

**Toni:** JK. Hi, Cheryl.

**Cheryl:** Hi, Toni.

-

One day. It had been one day since they’d met. One day since Cheryl had taken anything. This must’ve been the longest she’d been clean in weeks, maybe months.

She didn’t know why exactly, but she didn’t feel like she needed it today. It was a good day. Toni hadn’t been lying about her so-called ‘hangover cure’. It had worked wonders and Cheryl actually felt good for once. Without drugs.

They’d been texting non-stop. Somehow never running out of topics to talk about. Nothing heavy, though. She’d leave that for the second date.

Speaking of, Toni had asked her out on a date. Nothing big. Dinner and a movie. She hadn’t watched a movie in so long, let alone had a real meal.

Nowadays her meals mostly consisted of a few sour patch kids; or a pack of ramen noodles on a good day. Most of the time she was too out of it to watch anything like a movie or a TV show, so she would just lay down on her bed and stare at the ceiling.

She had to stay clean for this date. She actually felt something — which was weird since she was numb to most things — and she wasn’t about to fuck this up.

Two days. Their date was tomorrow, so she would have to do it for two days.

At least she could text Toni at any point and get a response. Toni actually wanted to talk to her. It seemed like she was genuinely interested in her. So she definitely couldn’t fuck this up. Because Cheryl Blossom was already dead, but at least Toni made her feel wanted.

-

Her hands were shaking. She knew it probably wasn’t only due to the nerves. She’d been clean for two whole days. And except for the migraines and the shivers that she got, she actually felt pretty good.

She was sitting opposite Toni in some old-school diner. It was cute. They’d been making light conversation the whole time and Toni had pretended not to notice how Cheryl hadn’t even eaten half of her burger.

Toni insisted on paying for the meal, as well as the movie. They didn’t buy any popcorn. Toni hadn’t asked. If she had, Cheryl would’ve said no anyway. But Toni probably didn’t like popcorn; or she didn’t like people chewing during a movie. Either way, it was fine with Cheryl.

The movie wasn’t half bad. Well, what she saw of it anyway. Toni kept distracting her with her beauty and her soft hand on her thigh. It was like, once she put her hand anywhere near her skin, Cheryl couldn’t concentrate on anything anymore. It sort of felt like a high. Just different. Better.

Like the perfect date, Toni drove Cheryl home and walked her up to her front door. All the while, she kept their hands intertwined, which made Cheryl’s heart skip a beat. She was actually feeling something positive. Without drugs. Maybe staying clean wouldn’t be as hard as she thought.

“I had fun tonight.”

“Me too. I haven’t had that in a long time. Thank you, Toni.”

“No need to thank me, Blossom, it was entirely my pleasure.” She paused for a moment, mustering up the courage to ask what she’d been dying to ask the whole night. “Can I kiss you?”

Instead of answering, the redhead took a step forward, and leaned in. The moment their lips touched, it was like fireworks exploded in Cheryl’s stomach. The feeling was intoxicating and she would give anything to never stop kissing Toni. She opened her front door and let them inside, and they kissed again. And again. And at least for one night, Cheryl wouldn’t have to let go of this feeling.

So yeah, Cheryl was two days clean. And it wasn’t hard, because her new drug made her feel so much more than pills ever could. She made her feel whole. She couldn’t get enough of her. Because Cheryl Blossom was already dead, but Toni made her feel alive again.

-

**Cheryl: **where u at?

**Toni: **I’ll be there in 5.

She let out a relieved breath as she flushed the toilet and followed the small bag with her eyes. She was doing well. She had gotten rid of most of her drugs. Her and Toni had been seeing each other for a few weeks, they weren’t official yet. Even though Toni practically spent every moment of her free time with Cheryl. And on days where she was working, Cheryl would usually come into the coffee shop and sit there for a few hours on end.

She heard a knock at the door and rushed to get it, knowing exactly who was standing behind it. She opened it and threw her arms around the smaller girl, attaching their lips almost instantly.

“Someone missed me, huh?”

“Hi, Toni.”

“Hi, baby.”

They sat down on the couch, putting on some TV show. Cheryl was practically sitting in Toni’s lap, but the latter didn’t mind one bit. After a while, Toni felt the redhead dozing off and turned off the TV.

“Hey Cheryl, let’s go to bed, yeah?”

Cheryl mumbled a quiet ‘mhm’ before getting up, taking Toni’s hand in hers, and walking towards her — or what she’d now consider their — bed. They plopped down on it and cuddled up to each other, Toni soothingly passing her hand through Cheryl’s locks.

“There’s something I want to ask you.”

Cheryl picked her head up a little, opening her eyes to look into Toni’s.

“What’s up, TT?”

“I wanted to know if you wanted to be my girlfriend, like officially?”

Cheryl felt her heart leap at those words. She had been waiting for them since the moment they first met. Girlfriends. That meant commitment. That meant Toni couldn’t just leave her without an explanation. She leaned up to kiss her deeply, before whispering, “_anything for you_.”

Toni was more than just an escape. More than some drug. She was the light that brightened up the darkness. She was her sun. Because Cheryl Blossom was already dead. But Toni made everything brighter.

**-**

She would have to tell her eventually. She wanted to, too. Multiple times. It wasn’t hard, right?

_Hey Toni, fun fact: I’m addicted to drugs._

Right, easy. She just had to tell her.

She hadn’t though. And she really didn’t want her to find out this way. But when she walked in on Toni, holding a bag of pills, looking at her like she was a sick puppy, she knew that she had to come clean.

So she told her. She told her how she got into it. Some ex-girlfriend had convinced her to try it once, and well, she had never really stopped after. She told her how she had OD’ed once. How that had lead to her mother finding out.

She told her about how she’d stopped. How she hadn’t taken anything since meeting Toni. How Toni had helped her realise what really matters.

“How does it feel? The high, I mean.”

“Like this.” Cheryl kissed her deeply. After forcing herself to disconnect their lips, she specified, “but like, way less intense.”

Toni held her for hours. Told her how brave and strong she was. How good she was doing. How proud she was of her. And after a few hours of that, as they were falling asleep, Cheryl heard Toni whisper the words that she’d heard so many times before.

“You have to promise me you won’t take any more, please.”

“_Anything for you._”

“Promise me, Cheryl.”

“I promise.”

And for the first time in forever, she actually meant it. Because Cheryl Blossom was already dead, but she would do anything for Toni.

-

What does love feel like? Is it when you can’t stop thinking about someone? When, every time you’re apart, your body aches for them? You crave them — no, you can’t live without them. Is it the tingling you get when you kiss someone? Or that feeling of joy that overwhelms you whenever you see them? What is love? How do you know if you’re in love?

Is it reliability? Knowing that they’re there for you, no matter what? Is it trust? Knowing that they would never hurt you on purpose? Or is it a mix of all these things?

Because Cheryl had felt all those things since she had met Toni. It’s like she fell for her at the speed of light, but Toni caught her. She always does. But she had never been in love before, how was she supposed to know when it’s considered love?

She knew she wanted to spend the rest of her days with Toni. She knew she would never want to be apart from her. She knew that Toni was the only thing that brought her happiness. The only thing she looked forward to, in life.

Sitting there, cuddling with Toni on her balcony, Cheryl was certain she knew was love felt like. Because in that instant, curled up in the other girl’s arms, Cheryl felt at peace. She felt free. Like she was in _heaven_. So yeah, she was definitely in love. And surprisingly, that didn’t scare her one bit. Because Toni would never leave her. She knew she wouldn’t.

“Toni, I think I love you.”

“Mmh,” Toni sighed peacefully, “I know, baby.”

“Say it back.”

“I love you, Cher.”

There was that warm feeling in her chest again. This urge to just kiss Toni and never, ever let go of her.

“I want you to love me forever.”

That wouldn’t be hard. Cheryl was surprised to even hear those words leave Toni’s lips. She thought it was obvious that she would.

“_Anything for you._”

And she would. She would love her until her dying breath and beyond. Because Cheryl Blossom was already dead, but she loved Toni. And as long as she had her, she’d be okay.

-

Funny how fleeting happiness can be. How fast it can disappear. You can be on top of the world one moment, and at the lowest of lows the next. It’s unpredictable. Because Cheryl would have never, in a million years, thought that she would ever feel like this again. But here she was, alone in her apartment, trying her hardest to not fall apart.

Toni had left to go to work that morning and as she had a long shift, she would be back in the late afternoon. And everything had been fine when she left. But now, with Toni gone, not there to reassure Cheryl she was going to come back, the latter felt like her world was collapsing. She was all alone again.

She knew that all she had to do to see Toni was leave her apartment and go to the coffee shop. But she couldn’t. She didn’t have the strength. She felt like she was sixteen again, when her parentsgot divorced and despite her father promising they would still spend a lot of time together, never seeing him again. Or when she was eighteen, when her brother had left her to go study in some fancy European school. Or even just a while ago, at twenty-one, when her mother finally gave up on her. Telling her that if she wanted to fuck up her life, she could, but that she couldn’t just stand by and watch anymore.

She was alone. Maybe it was for the best. She seemed to fuck up everyone’s life anyway. They were better off without her. And maybe she was better off alone, too. She made her way to her kitchen. Opening her cupboard, she took out what looked like a normal can of beans. She hated beans. She twisted the top off to reveal a little orange container. _There it was_.

And just like that, she already felt less alone. A sense of familiarity ran through her. Like seeing an old friend again. As she passed a framed picture of her and Toni, in the living room, she thought of the promise she’d made the other girl. She’d told her she would never take this stuff again.

For a moment, she thought about what she was doing. Would she lose Toni? She couldn’t lose Toni. But then again, Toni wasn’t here, and if she really cared about her, she’d be there, right? And just like that her worries dissipated as she plopped down on her bed. She just needed some peace and quiet. She needed to shut up her thoughts. She needed to not feel alone. And she knew exactly how to do that. She looked down at the white pills in her hand. W_e meet again, old friend. _And with that, she swallowed them.

…

Something was different. This didn’t feel like it usually did. It felt weird. Like she was on the verge of falling off a cliff. Just as she was about to panic about the feeling, she heard Toni’s soft voice calling out for her. Why was she already back from work?

Toni appeared next to the bed, with a worried expression on her face. Oh no, Cheryl had worried her. That’s the last thing she wanted to do. She saw the empty orange container in Toni’s hand. Had she taken the whole thing?

“Cheryl, baby, what did you do?”

Hearing the pain in Toni’s voice, Cheryl suddenly understood the gravity of the situation. And maybe some time ago she would have, but right now, in this moment, she didn’t want to die. She didn’t want to lose Toni. She _needed_ her. Tears suddenly started trickling down her cheeks at the thought of it.

“It’s okay, come here.”

There it was again. That warmth she felt whenever Toni hugged her. This is what she was supposed to be feeling. But reality hit again. She started to feel dizzy, and like she was about to faint.

“Toni, I’m so sorry. I’ll stop, I promise. For real, this time.”

“It’s too late already.”

“No, please. I don’t want to lose you. I don’t want to die, please.”

“Then wake up.”

“Huh?” Cheryl’s thoughts were all over the place. She couldn’t concentrate on anything, and she felt herself slowly slipping away.

“Cheryl, please, wake up.”

“_Anything for you._”

…

She slowly opened her eyes, a shrill light blinding her. Looking around the room, she recognised her bathroom. She was lying on the floor. Soft music playing in the next room. Looking down at her body, she recognised the clothes she was wearing, and the last time she’d worn those. _This couldn’t be._

“Toni,” she tried to scream, but only a whisper came out. Her throat was sore and her head was pounding. _This couldn’t be true. It just couldn’t._

So maybe Cheryl wasn’t actually dead. Or maybe death in itself was a lie. Because yes, she was lying there, still breathing. But really, Cheryl Blossom was already dead.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi,
> 
> this was inspired by the song 'HEAVEN AND BACK' by Chase Atlantic. def check them out!!!
> 
> hope u enjoyed :)
> 
> (twitter @pepperchoni)


End file.
